The Things We Don’t Tell Our Partner’s
And How This Damages Our Relationships
In this article I want to focus on communication problems and show that it’s not what we say that damages our relationships, but what we don’t say. The things that we withhold in our conversations will eventually damage and destroy the relationship.
It is obvious that blatant lies will create problems in any relationship but these are normally easy to spot. It is the more subtle, but equally powerful thoughts and feelings that we hide, often inadvertently, that can eat away at our relationship.
All of us have a range of fears, insecurities, and negative self-beliefs and many of these are stored in our subconscious mind. These could be sadness, guilt, hurt, low self-esteem, jealousy, self-hatred and anger, to name but a few. Now and again we become consciously aware of our negative emotions and the pain that we are holding. The trouble is that we don’t like these feelings and will try to push them down again. We will also avoid sharing these unpleasant feelings with our partner’s because they are so negative. We are often afraid to share these thoughts and feelings because they paint us in a bad light. Not only might they judge us, but we worry that they might reject us and leave us if they could see us in the negative way we see ourselves.
All this avoidance means that we become inauthentic and have to start putting on an act. We find ourselves in the role of a good partner and pretend that we don’t have any fear or negative feelings. This will make us seem confident and self-assured for a while, but the lack of honesty takes its toll on the relationship. We have to shut down our emotions to keep our negative thoughts and feelings at bay and this means that we become unavailable to our partner. As we shut down our hearts, they will begin to feel their own fears and shut down their hearts. With two people emotionally unavailable the level of intimacy in the relationship falls away and it is only a matter of time until a crisis appears.
The way through this breakdown in communication is to raise our levels of emotional awareness and be willing to share how we feel and know ourselves with our partners. Having a policy of total honesty in a relationship is the best way for it to succeed. This means that we tell each other everything - our worries, fears, negative self-beliefs, needs and anything else that is on our minds. Opening ourselves up and being very honest about our concerns is an attractive quality because it means that we are being real. At the same time we can mix this with all the wonderful things that we know about ourselves – all our gifts, talents, passion and creativity. To do this does require practice and a sensitive approach to begin with, but once you start doing this and making sure that it is a two-way process, you will find it easier and easier. Eventually the honesty becomes a habit and something that you both relish.
Unless you have perfect self-awareness (which means you would be enlightened!), there will always things that you don’t know about yourself, but if you are willing to share all your thoughts and feelings with your partner and they are doing the same for you, then you can work on gaining more awareness together. This is one of the quickest and most effective ways to develop yourself personally and it’s great fun too. Of course, the policy of total openness and honesty works in the bedroom and is the recipe for a fantastically fulfilling sex life. Tell each other what you need and love from each other, but also be willing to share your concerns and hang-ups. You will find that your partner has exactly the same concerns, so together your can work to let them go.
Honest and heartfelt communication really is the key to all good relationships. When we are honest with ourselves and gain deep self-awareness we will want to share this with our partner. In doing so they will reveal their true self to us. This much authenticity creates intimacy between two people, and then the love automatically flows.
PS Don't forget to tell your partner how much you love them!
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