Understanding Love . Blog . Books . Articles . Counselling . Workshops . Contact Us . Useful Websites . Privacy

Can't find what you are looking for? Try the site search


Legal Notice - Medical Advice
All advice in this website is given in good faith and no responsibility can be accepted by the website owners for issues or problems that occur as a consequence of using the website content. If you have any concerns about your psychological health you are advised to contact a doctor or other suitably qualified medical/psychiatric practioner.

This site is based on the principles of The Psychology of Vision. Please note that the content of the site is not endorsed by the organisation, and they cannot be held responsible for the content

© P.J.Granger 2012




...helping you find true love and happiness through your relationships

Bad Choice Of Partner

– Why we sometimes choose a partner who is bad for us

Although we may not always realise it, we all make unconscious choices when we are attracted to somebody. These choices are driven by a number of things, both positive and negative. In this month’s article I want to look at why we would bring somebody into our life who makes it harder for us to form a successful relationship and discover happiness.

In principle, we could fall in love and form a partnership with anybody. However, to do this we would need to be something of a saint and be able to heal any emotional issue that comes up for us or in the relationship. Above all we would need to see any behaviour in our partner that is less than loving, as a call for love and respond accordingly. Most of us struggle to do this and instead our own issues are triggered by our partner’s behaviour or mood. We may end up fighting or withdrawing from them and damaging or destroying the relationship.

If we find that we are in a difficult relationship, it is important to ask why we would have brought a person into our lives who would trigger our own unhealed issues? To answer this we must look at our needs and see how we are trying to have these met in the relationship. As human beings we all have needs – physical, emotional and spiritual and our problems come when we expect our partners to fulfill these. We are often attracted to people who have the same needs as us. For instance, if we have a need for attention, then we will be attracted to somebody who also needs lots of attention. In the early days of the relationship this might be Ok as both of us give lots of love to each other, but as time passes the need for special attention comes up in both partners, and then we fight over who is going to give the attention.

Just as we will have similar needs as our partner’s, we will also have similar emotional issues underlying them. In the example of attention-seeking, if we delve deep enough into our minds we will find an incident or period of disappointment or heartbreak where we felt we weren’t given enough love and attention – probably when we were children. Our partner will have had a similar incident, leaving them with the same need for attention in their adult life. With both partner’s having this same feeling of heartbreak and unmet needs, the scene is set for a power struggle over needs.

The way forward in any relationship is to identify the unmet needs in both partners and work to heal these through a process of understanding, letting go and forgiveness. In some relationships this is very difficult because the level of pain and fear is very high. You will then need to ask yourself if you are with the best person for your ongoing personal healing. Make sure you look at your own issues first and try to heal them with your partner before giving up on the relationship. Even if your partner is behaving badly he or she is showing you something about your unhealed issues, so be grateful for this and use what you discover to move forward in your life.

No matter who we decide to spend our lives with, love is always waiting for us underneath any problems and issues. All relationships are designed to bring love to the surface, but often this is disguised in the problems that we face. If you can keep this in mind, you will have a much more positive attitude to your relationship and will see the opportunities for healing.

If you have found this article useful, you will find
much more information in my books.

Please feel free to share this with anybody you know, who might find it useful
Sharing and Privacy





















These articles are based on my self-help books that are full of practical tips about how to bring more love, passion and joy to your relationship

'Bringing Back The Love'
How to fall in love all over again!


Amazon USA

Amazon UK

(also available on your
local Amazon site)



Everything you need to know about men, emotions and love



Our new app that lets you literally feel the love as you connect heart-to-heart with somebody you love

Be one of the first to experience this amazing Android app
(more information)

link takes you to our
new website heartbond.co.uk

Android is a trademark
of Google LLC


This site uses cookies - check our policy above. If you use the site we will assume you are a appy with it



















How to Rebuild Trust in a Relationship

Unconditional Love

Men, Emotions and Relationships

How to Have The Life You Want
- The Art of Receiving

How to Let Go of Somebody
from the Past

Save my Marriage or Relationship

Spirituality, Love & Relationships

How Neediness Damages Relationships

Love - Turning Everything We Know About It On Its Head

Why Relationships Become Boring
and How to Spice them Up!

Making Love - Bringing the Physical, Emotional and Spiritual Aspects of a Relationship Together

Cheating, Affairs & Infidelity

Sadness - How To Overcome It

How to Avoid Arguments & Rows in a Relationship

Living a Carefree Life of Ease

Surving a Recession - How to bring Abundance to your Relationship & Life

Unrequited Love - Its Origins & How
To Move On From It

Bad Choices - Why we sometimes
choose a partner who is bad for us

The Art of Manifesting - Choosing
the Life & Relationship You Want

Love Sickness - It's Causes
& It's Remedies

8 Steps to Save Your Relationship

Why We Are Afraid of Love

How to Become Irresistible to your Partner

Save Your Marriage or Relationship

Is it possible to love more than one
person at the same time?

Letting Go of Envy & Jealousy

Marriage, Commitment & Love

True Giving

Small Acts of Kindness

Why it is impossible to be independent and have a successful relationship

What is Your True Purpose in Life and How This Affects Your Relationship

How Your Unconscious Mind Can
Rule Your Relationship & Your Life

The Things We Don't Tell Our Partner...

How To Heal A Broken Heart

How to Find Love (a Partner)

Emotional Attachment

How can I change my partner's behaviour?

Dealing With Rejection


Free Online Relationship Coaching
with friends