At this time of the year many of us plan out the forthcoming year and make New Year resolutions. Perhaps you have a few of your own, but I wonder if any of these include discovering your true purpose in both your life and your relationship. This can seem quite a profound question and one that can be tricky to answer. Nevertheless exploring this question and discovering your purpose can be one of the most powerful and rewarding things that you can do.

First let me define what I mean by purpose. I like to think of it as not just the things that we have come to do in this life, but what we have come to be. In other words it is about what we do and who we are. If we can find this out and start living our lives and relationships from our purpose then we will find more fulfilment and happiness because we will be following the natural flow of our lives. If, on the other hand, we fail to live our purposes we will tend to come up against all manner of problems and frustrations because we will be fighting against the flow. In a relationship this will mean that we are being untrue to ourselves and therefore untrue to our partners. When we are like this is it not possible to feel fully connected with them and invariably ends in fights or emotional withdrawal. It is therefore important to discover our purpose.

Deep down all of us know our purpose – it is something that is stored within us from birth. The problem is that we forget what it is because we become distracted by the fear, confusion and uncertainty that comes with the experience of growing up and developing as human beings. Through the traumas and heartbreaks of our early relationships we lose sight of who we are. We take on negative beliefs about ourselves and then create personalities to hide ourselves from these insecurities.In trying to be somebody else our purpose is lost and we start behaving in ways that hide us from the pain of losing our authenticity.

At the deepest level all of us are designed to be in close, connected relationships that support the people around us. This means that our fundamental purpose is to love and be loved but from this springs all manner of what we might call ‘sub-purposes’. It is at this level we may discover a calling or vocation. We will be drawn towards some specific type of work, hobby or leisure activity. Look back at your own life – what are the areas that have inspired you most? What activities bring out the best in you and allow you to feel passionate? Which aspects of your life are easy or full of meaning? These are all indicators of where your purpose lies. It doesn’t have to be some grand scheme – the key is to find what it is that allows you to be at your most natural, relaxed and happy.

In my own case I have always known that I am most happy when I am being creative and inspired by closely bonded groups of people. I am fascinated by why people behave as they do and so my work has moved from the early days when I was an applied scientist to one of a relationship coach and personal counsellor. I also draw, paint and write as well as allowing myself to be in nature and the outdoors because all these things bring me both peace and joy. In making this at times difficult change (because I had to let go of a well-paid day job) I have found more satisfaction and fulfilment than I could have dreamed of. I also know that when I am ‘in my purpose’ my relationship and life flows much easier – doors open, I experience more abundance and there is less fear, anxiety or negative thoughts and feelings.

Have a look at your own life and see if you can identify your own purpose. All of us need something in our life that is bigger than us and raises us to higher levels of consciousness.there is something in this life that you have come to do, in a certain way and style. The trick is to find what this is and start living it.  As you find your purpose and perhaps adapt your current work to allow you to live it more authentically I am sure you will find that life becomes easier and that your relationships take on more meaning and joy.

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