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All advice in this website is given in good faith and no responsibility can be accepted by the website owners for issues or problems that occur as a consequence of using the website content. If you have any concerns about your psychological health you are advised to contact a doctor or other suitably qualified medical/psychiatric practioner.

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© P.J.Granger 2012




...helping you find true love and happiness through your relationships

How The Unconscious Mind Can
Rule Our Relationships & Life


I know this sounds like quite a heavy topic for this article but it is an important one. The parts of our unconscious mind that are beneath conscious awareness exert an enormous influence over our thoughts, feelings and behaviours and are responsible for many of our relationship difficulties. Psychologists are often telling us that we only use a small proportion of our brains but this is a bit misleading. I think we use all of our brains, all of time, but are not aware of doing this because many of its workings are hidden from us. Many of our unconscious processes are destructive and left to their own devices will sabotage our relationships and give us a very poor emotional quality of life. Luckily our unconscious mind also contains all our gifts of love, connection and relationship. Later in the article I will discuss how we can bring these more into our conscious awareness so that we can improve our relationships.

Dr. Chuck Spezzano, founder of ThePsychology of Vision and creator of the relationship model that I base my writings on, describes both the subconscious and unconscious mind. There is no distinct split in the mind but it is a useful way of subdividing the contents. He defines subconscious thoughts, feelings and images as those that relate to things that have happened to us since birth and unconscious thoughts, feelings and images as those that derive from our collective pool of experience as human beings. Some of these may be inherited ancestrally (or if you believe in such things, from past lives), others primordial patterns that are shared by all of us. These may include fundamental fears such as about mortality, who we are, sanity and spirituality.

The problem with our non-conscious mind is that whatever is stored there may be hidden from view but it still affects our daily lives. It’s a bit like being controlled by an autopilot that is driven by an invisible computer programme. We may react to situations and people (especially our partners) with seemingly automatic, knee-jerk reactions, but in reality we are responding to fears and beliefs that are sitting within the un- and subconscious parts of our mind. Those negative aspects of our psyche are formed in the heartbreaks and trauma of life where we come face-to-face with our most fundamental fears. Instead of healing these fears we store them away and take on all sorts of negative self-beliefs in the process. When somebody behaves in a certain way, this may trigger these deeply held insecurities and such things as guilt, inadequacy and lack of self-love, causing us to either become very needy or to compensate in negative ways to deny our fear and insecurity.

In order to stop these seemingly automatic responses there is no point in trying to subdue or modify our behaviour – this can only work in the short term because the non-conscious triggers are still present. The only way forward is to change our deep unconscious and subconscious thought patterns. The techniques I describe in these articles and in my website are designed to do just that. They help change our negative self-beliefs into positive ones. They rely on the fact that underneath all our negative patterns are positive ones. In fact at the core of our being we are just love and connection. All of us have this knowledge within us but it can become obscured by all the negativity and pain that is stored within us. As we let this negativity and pain go we reveal our true selves. There is nothing new to learn, but to bring this beautiful side of us to the surface, we must find the courage to go within into the sometimes dark and frightening parts of our mind. Although there is no reason why this process cannot happen instantly, most of us have to work at it and typically it will be a lifetime quest. Nevertheless we can start the process right now and become curious about what lies within the unconscious parts of our mind. Our positive unconscious mind, sometimes called our higher mind will direct our journey if we trust it and ask for help along the way.

If you have found this article useful, you will find
much more information in my book 'Bringing Back The Love'.

Please feel free to share this with anybody you know, who might find it useful
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These articles are based on my self-help books that are full of practical tips about how to bring more love, passion and joy to your relationship

'Bringing Back The Love'
How to fall in love all over again!


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How to Rebuild Trust in a Relationship

Unconditional Love

Men, Emotions and Relationships

How to Have The Life You Want
- The Art of Receiving

How to Let Go of Somebody
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Save my Marriage or Relationship

Spirituality, Love & Relationships

How Neediness Damages Relationships

Love - Turning Everything We Know About It On Its Head

Why Relationships Become Boring
and How to Spice them Up!

Making Love - Bringing the Physical, Emotional and Spiritual Aspects of a Relationship Together

Cheating, Affairs & Infidelity

Sadness - How To Overcome It

How to Avoid Arguments & Rows in a Relationship

Living a Carefree Life of Ease

Surving a Recession - How to bring Abundance to your Relationship & Life

Unrequited Love - Its Origins & How
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Bad Choices - Why we sometimes
choose a partner who is bad for us

The Art of Manifesting - Choosing
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Love Sickness - It's Causes
& It's Remedies

8 Steps to Save Your Relationship

Why We Are Afraid of Love

How to Become Irresistible to your Partner

Save Your Marriage or Relationship

Is it possible to love more than one
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Letting Go of Envy & Jealousy

Marriage, Commitment & Love

True Giving

Small Acts of Kindness

Why it is impossible to be independent and have a successful relationship

What is Your True Purpose in Life and How This Affects Your Relationship

How Your Unconscious Mind Can
Rule Your Relationship & Your Life

The Things We Don't Tell Our Partner...

How To Heal A Broken Heart

How to Find Love (a Partner)

Emotional Attachment

How can I change my partner's behaviour?

Dealing With Rejection


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