Anger and Rage

Possible Issues

- Your partner is often angry with you.

- You become angry yourself when things get difficult.

- The anger can sometimes turn to rage.

- You feel afraid when there is anger and conflict.

- You or your partner use anger to make their point and control situations

The Cause

Anger is a 'cover emotion' - it always hides a deeper level of emotional pain that we are unwilling to feel or express. It often hides sadness, which in turn hides guilt and fear. We or others become angry because something has not turned out how we wanted or somebody is not acting in a way that we wish them to. The anger comes from a feeling of being out of control. The situation or behaviour we are witnessing reminds us of similar situations in the past when we also felt out of control - this is why some things will infuriate us while other things will pass us by. We then use anger to get our way and have our expectations met. This can develop into bullying and dictatorial behaviour.

Rage is an extreme form of anger where we lose a sense of ourselves and try to force our way on the people around us. It is blind because it comes from the deepest, hidden parts of our mind, where we may have stored away deep hurt, resentment and our primordial fears.

The Way Through

While it is healthy to feel all your emotions, including anger, it is never useful or acceptable to play it out on the people around you. If you act out your anger, you will only end up feeling more guilty and be likely to get angry again in the future. The trick with your own anger is to realise that it hides a deeper level of pain and set about identifying the source. Look for patterns of anger and think back to the earliest times in your life when you remember feeling angry - who was around, what was happening? Are there lingering feelings of sadness and guilt with these situations? It is these episodes and the feelings that came out of them that you will need to work on - the experiences of feeling out of control. Learn to spot the times when you are becoming angry, before it overwhelms you, and think about what is happening. Make a choice not to become angry.

If somebody close to you is angry, it is essential that you do not let their anger trigger yours. Although it is difficult to stand back, this is the only way to defuse the situation. Again recognise that their anger is a reflection of their buried emotional pain and guilt. Just realising this and offering compassion rather than withdrawal or getting into conflict, will greatly help the situation. When they have calmed down, see if you can get them to talk about what made them angry and share feelings of anger and the possible emotional causes.

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