– Bringing the Physical, Emotional
and Spiritual Aspects of a Relationship Together
Sex can be one of the most enjoyable and beautiful aspects of a relationship, but it can also be the source of great frustration and disappointment. In this article I would like to discuss how we can enhance our relationships by integrating the physical, emotional and spiritual parts of who we are - truely making love (or what is called Tantric Sex)
Perhaps the simplest way to think about sex is as energy – life energy. When we embrace it without fear and guilt, it is a celebration of our most basic essence as human beings. When we express our sexuality as a celebration of love it becomes safe and can take us to the highest levels of joy and euphoria. Sex moves from a mere physical gratification to a joining of two people on physical, emotional and spiritual planes. It is as if two people melt into each other and their energies become one. This is the realm of Tantric sex.
Of course, achieving such a level of joining in a relationship is not always easy. Many of my articles and website pages describe the barriers that stop us from closely joining another person in a relationship. Every one of these barriers can be traced back to a level of guilt and low self-esteem. If we are not feeling physically or emotionally close to our partner, then there is a fear of intimacy. We are afraid to get to close to them in case they see us, in the way that we see ourselves. If we are harbouring any self-attack or low self-worth, we will be scared that intimacy will allow them to see the things that we hate about ourselves and which we believe puts us at risk of rejection. Of course, all our negative self-beliefs are mistakes and our partner will love us despite our assumed shortcomings.
Sexual guilt is a specific form of guilt that we can easily pick up in life. This can come from a rather sheltered or overtly religious upbringing where sex is seen as dirty and somehow bad. It can also originate in Oedipal family relationships, where there is guilt for having fallen in love at a very tender age with a parent of the opposite sex. Such is the taboo in such situations that we make take on extreme levels of shame and then bury these deep in our subconscious mind. This guilt is then triggered when we come physically close to a partner. It damages our relationship and robs us of the joy of a good sex life.
In all situations where there are sexual problems or difficulties, it is important to work to let go of guilt. This will always involve a process of forgiveness. There will be a forgiveness of self as well as the people in our lives around whom we have taken on negative self-concepts. In a relationship it is important to talk about your feelings around sex – your partner will usually have similar concerns. It is only through communication that you will be able to bring the negative feelings into the open for them to be healed. The process of coming back together physically make take some a little time – don’t rush it. It may start with kind words and appreciation for a partner. You may want to tell them why you love them emotionally and physically. A gentle caress or kiss can make it easier to close the physical and emotional distance. Remember, it only takes one person in a relationship to break a deadlock and start putting the love back into it.
Often people talk of the difference between men and women when it comes to sex. It can seem that women look for more love when they have sex and men for more short-term physical gratification. While this may be true as an observation, I believe that this happens because men are so often out of touch with their feelings. For them sex is often ‘in the head’ and then loses so much of its potential for love and pleasure when it also comes from the heart. Women can help their men by recognising that they are often afraid of their emotions and sensitively encourage them to begin to express them in an open and honest way. As feelings are made visible in a relationship, and providing we own our own feelings, rather than projecting them onto our partners, we can move emotionally closer. As this happens, the fear and guilt in the relationship and around sex will dissipate.
As the emotional barriers are dismantled in a relationship, a lot more love will be given and received by both partners. In bed this will translate to much greater feelings of connection with our partners and this will open the doors to sex that takes us into the higher realms of consciousness. For those with a spiritual belief you can imagine a developing Union between you and your partner such that the physical separation is removed and depending on your belief system, you become one with God, the Universe, Spirit or Heaven. As you melt into each other your physical boundaries fade away and there is surge of love, joy and divine connection.
To achieve such amazing levels of connection it helps to make strong eye-contact during your love making and feel as much love as you can for your partner while being completely open to the love they are giving you. Feel the love flowing in both directions via your eyes. Also allow all you senses (touch, smell, taste, hearing and sight) to be open to the beauty of the moment. Celebrate and appreciate your partner. Allow yourself to feel as much love as you can – just surrender and fall into it. This mutual giving and receiving acts as a positive cycle and will build up to a very strong level of connection. See how far you can take it!
Love is what transforms sex from simple physical gratification to an amazing experience of joining with another human being. Love makes sex safe and full of integrity. Love really is all that there is once we have joined fully with our partners. 'Making love' and tantric sex are the pinnacle of partnership in a romantic relationship.
If you have found this article useful, you will a whole chapter on it in my book - "Bringing Back The Love"
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