Possible Issues

- Your partner is always blaming you for problems in the relationship

- You blame your partner or other people in your life for your problems

- You have a tendency to blame yourself when things go wrong

The Cause

When we blame others or judge them negatively we are avoiding dealing with the very issue that we are criticising them for. This is a difficult concept to accept as it means we have to take more responsibility for our emotions. The very things that we judge in the world around us are the fears and insecurities that we have hidden away for our protection. What we judge in others we unconsciously fear we might become.

Blame and judgment save us from having to feel the unpleasant and often painful emotions that usually originate in our early lives. By diverting the attention onto somebody else we feel safer and temporarily more content, but unfortunately these attacks stoke up our guilt and cause our relationship to deteriorate in the long run.

If we readily accept blame we are hiding a strong sense of guilt - we feel that we have failed or let somebody down and volunteer to accept blame as a way of paying off the guilt - of course this sacrificial behaviour is highly damaging to our self worth and relationships.

The Way Through

Recognise that any temptation to blame or judge others is a reflection of your own fears and insecurities. With this knowledge you can turn this to your advantage by spotting your judgments and using them as a signpost to the issues in your life that need addressing.

It is okay to discern good and bad behaviour in a person as long as this does not extend to judging them as being intrinsically good or bad. People behave badly because they are in some sort of emotional pain. All bad behaviour is therefore a call for love - your compassion in a relationship where somebody is behaving badly will transform the situation and allow healing. This is not weakness or wishy washy liberalism - it takes great courage to avoid judging somebody when they are attacking you or behaving badly.

As we remove judgment from our conscious and unconscious thoughts we shift the focus from blaming the outside world and instead focus inside - not with self blame, but with the intention to heal our fears and insecurities.

Legal Notice - Medical Advice

All advice in this website is given in good faith and no responsibility can be accepted by the website owners for issues or problems that occur as a consequence of using the website content. If you have any concerns about your psychological health you are advised to contact a doctor other suitably qualified medical/psychiatric practioner.

© P.J.Granger 2007

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