Possible Issues

- You often find yourself in arguments, disagreements and rows with your partner.

- There is a sense of inequality in your relationship.

- You or your partner always insist on being right.

- Winning competitions ( of all varieties) is an important element of your life or your partner's life. This is often evident in the workplace or with your children's achievements at school or in sport.

The Cause

Partners begin to compete with each other as soon as the honeymoon stage of a relationship ends. Partners compete over who is going to meet the emotional needs of the other. These needs have been buried in the early phases of the relationship and surface as we get to know the other person better.

Competition in a relationship is usually a replay of competition in our original families, often amongst siblings, for the attention and love of our parents. While it is easy to see competitive tendencies as our response to survival, it is underlain by a competition for what we see as a limited supply of love in our families and in the world at large. Winning becomes a away of affirming ourselves when deep down we may not feel that great about ourselves.

The Way Through

To reduce the level of competition in your relationship, you must first recognise when it is present. Although it is fairly obvious in arguments and rows, it can also be present in the more subtle inequality you might feel within your relationship. Do you see yourself as superior or inferior to your partner? It is this that triggers the competition. The solution is to work to see your partner as equal to you in their need for love and attention. That doesn't mean that we all have the same skills and talents but it does mean that when it comes to our basic need for love, we are all the same. When you truly feel equal to your partner and the people around you, competition will naturally fall away. If you have a desire to win at all costs, or see your children win, this will subside as your self-esteem increases.

Legal Notice - Medical Advice

All advice in this website is given in good faith and no responsibility can be accepted by the website owners for issues or problems that occur as a consequence of using the website content. If you have any concerns about your psychological health you are advised to contact a doctor other suitably qualified medical/psychiatric practioner.

© P.J.Granger 2007

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