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All advice in this website is given in good faith and no responsibility can be accepted by the website owners for issues or problems that occur as a consequence of using the website content. If you have any concerns about your psychological health you are advised to contact a doctor or other suitably qualified medical/psychiatric practioner.
© P.J.Granger 2012
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Competitive Behaviour |
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You often find yourself in arguments, disagreements and rows with your partner.
There is a sense of inequality in your relationship. You or your partner always insist on being right.
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In our material society competition is seen as a good thing, but in relationships it is very damaging because it prevents equality.
If your partner is very competitive, or you can be competitive, this can usually be traced back to competition in your original families. At it's most basic, this is competition for the love of your parents between your brothers and sisters (if you have them). It can also be caused by competition between a child, and their two parents - what is called by psychologists an Oedipal triangle. A child will compete for the love of their opposite-sex parent, against their same-sex parent. This results in a false type of bonding known as fusion, which is full of guilt and other negative emotions. It always damages romantic relationships later in life.
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Here are three things you can do to reduce the amount of competition in your relationship or help a partner who is destructively competitive: 1. First of all, recognise that a competitive personality is a sign of emotional weakness. The winning is designed to avoid the intolerable feelings of losing and failure. Therefore show compassion to somebody who is very competitive. 2. Deep down, somebody who is driven by competition is competing for love because they feel that they lack it themselves. The winning makes them feel better about themselves. Anything you can do to help them find self-love will reduce their need to compete. 3. Notice where you are competing with your partner. This can be very subtle, but enormously damaging to your relationship. Strive for equality in your relationship. This means valuing your partner just as much as you value yourself and avoiding any temptation to judge them. Love always appears when equality is present (and competition naturally falls away). |
If you found this useful, can I recommend that you read my book Lovecoach as it explains how competition arises in a relationship and how to heal it.
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