Controlling behaviours in a Relationship

Possible Issues

- Your partner can be controlling in their behaviour in order to get their own way and succeed in life

- You use control yourself

- You or your partner spend much of your time thinking, planning and often worrying about the future

- You or your partner dread losing or feeling out of control

The Cause

We try to control people and situations to make the world fit our expectation of how we believe it would make us happy and safe. We do not do this out of some desire for domination but to make our lives and the lives of the people around us better. The problem is that our view of what is best is very fixed and based around our need to protect ourselves from having to relive painful situations from the past and deal with the emotions that might come up. Control is a response to hidden fear, but we are usually unaware of these underlying motives.

Control leads to power struggles and conflict because eventually we meet other controlling individuals who will probably have different expectations of how people should behave. If this happens in a relationship the scene is set for some sort of power struggle or fight.

The Way Through

If you are experiencing control from your partner (or are tempted to control them), you can choose to see the underlying psychology rather than reacting to it with a power struggle or withdrawal.

The key with control is to apply trust to a situation. Control comes from not trusting that things will work out fine in the end - we desperately want to influence things to succeed and avoid the pain of failure. Learning to relax, trust the natural unfolding of your life and seeking to partner with the people close to you will ensure that creativity returns to the relationship and that everything and everybody will be okay in the end.

If you have a partner who controls you, start by seeing that this part of their personality is a response to their fear that they might otherwise have to face hidden and unhealed emotional pain from the past, usually around having failed somebody close. Join with them as best you can and gradually encourage them to communicate about their deeper feelings. This may take time but you can lead them by being honest about expressing your own insecurities and fears.

Legal Notice - Medical Advice

All advice in this website is given in good faith and no responsibility can be accepted by the website owners for issues or problems that occur as a consequence of using the website content. If you have any concerns about your psychological health you are advised to contact a doctor other suitably qualified medical/psychiatric practioner.

© P.J.Granger 2007

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