The Dead Zone

Stage 3 The Dead Zone

If we are unable to work through our shared issues that cause power struggles, a relationship can still survive, but at a cost.The relationship will gradually sink towards what has been called the Dead Zone. This is a time when we may become bored with our partner and life in general. They may bury themselves in work or a pastime and take little interest in us. At the heart of the dead zone is withdrawal and emotional dissociation.

In the Dead Zone a relationship loses its sense of connection and the feelings of love. Love may remain as an idea rather than a feeling - you will know that you love somebody but the emotion has lost the delicious sensations that you experienced when you first fell in love. We subdue our emotions in this stage because we are afraid to deal with the fears and negative feelings that might come up if we were to communicate our insecurities to our partner. We are afraid that they will not love us, think us bad and even abandon us if we were to be totally honest about how we feel towards the relationship and about our self. Unfortunately we are largely unware of these feelings as they are hidden in the unconscious mind.

...pitfalls

- We will often take on arduous roles, duties and responsibilities in this stage because we feel that is what is expected of us. Sadly we cannot feel the reward for this hard work because we don't feel we deserve it.

- The denial of true emotions can eventually lead to stress, burn-out and ill-health. The latter can be seen as a dramatic way to escape the dead zone and find more authenticity in life.

- People often have affairs or separate/divorce in this stage in order to bring more excitement and love into their lives - the classic mid-life crisis.

- People tend to compete strongly because they mistake winning (and therefore feeling better) with true success, which comes from good relationships. This competition is often seen in work, and transferred to children at school and sport.

...the way through

Both the Power Struggle and the Dead Zone that usually follows are caused by a fear of intimacy - one of our greatest repressed fears. We fear that if our partner gets too close to us emotionally, that they will see aspects of our personality that would make them reject us. Paradoxically, our fears and behaviour around this issue make it much more likely that they will leave us.

The key to getting out of the dead zone is to commit to your partner to move towards them emotionally so that you can once again begin to feel and share your full spectrum of emotions. It is not feeling emotions that destroys relationships and robs us of life's joys. Although sharing fears and insecurities in a heartfelt way with a partner, especially after many years together, can be frightening, it will always leads to more honesty and love in a relationship.

As your hearts open again you will become much more emotionally aware and healing will automatically occur. You will once again begin to feel those powerful feelings of love that bought you together in the first place.

Next stage: Partnership & True Love

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