The Power Struggle

Stage 2 The Power Struggle

For most relationships the honeymoon stage eventually ends, typically after six months to one year. We begin to see aspects of our partner which make us feel uncomfortable. They may react to situations differently from us, act in ways that we find difficult or begin to lose interest in us. During the honeymoon stage we and our partner deliberately (though subconsciously) hide the negative aspects of our personality and behaviour and focus on giving and receiving love. As we become more familiar and closer to our partner the negative traits are revealed. This can come as a huge disappointment because we realise that they are not as perfect as we thought - worse still they think the same about us! The sense of unease causes each partner to withdraw and this sets up a vicious circle and damaging pattern for the relationship.

Some of us will act out our power struggle through arguments and rows while some of us will use much more subtle forms of competition such as withdrawal and moodiness. You will know you have entered the power struggle if you are feeling anything less than true love for your partner!

Amazing as it may seem, the very traits that we find so undesirable in our partner are the same ones that we have failed to deal with in our own minds - that is why they annoy or disturb us so much. In the power struggle it is not unusual to see negative personality traits that we associate with our parents appearing in our partner. The bad news is that we also have these traits, but the good news is that with our partners help we can deal with them!

...pitfalls

- Disappointment that the deep feelings of love have disappeared. We may think our partner has changed.

- We become irritated by our partner and judge them negatively. This makes us withdraw from them.

- We may find ourselves in disagreements and arguments that end in rows.

- We begin to doubt if our partner really is the right one for us and if this carries on, may choose to end the relationship, or find that our partner leaves us. This is often far too soon to make such a decision.

...the way through

The important thing to realise in the power struggle stage is that both partners are competing to see who will meet the emotional needs of the other. We chose our partner because we believed they would take care of our unmet needs from childhood and now we find that, not only do they fail to do this, but they have exactly the same needs as us. We feel let down and so do they - this is the key to working through the painful power struggle stage. Recognise that it is your shared sense of unmet needs, a feeling of being emotionally incomplete that is causing you to have differences. The power struggle is in fact an opportunity to heal your insecurities and fears and build a better relationship.

The power struggle tends to make us draw away from our partner both physically and emotionally. Therefore we must have the courage to move towards them and express our feelings no matter how painful they seem. If this is done with love and sensitivity (ie. talk and own your own feelings - do not impose them on your partner or judge them) your partner will feel safe to express their own emotions. You will soon find that you have re-connected and will begin another honeymoon stage!

Our power struggles, rows and differences are the way that we try to move back to our independence - a place where we felt emotionally safe but were in fact lonely and isolated. Relationships give us the best opportunity for finding true and lasting love, provided that we are willing to deal with what stops us becoming emotionally intimate with our partners.

Next stage: The Dead Zone

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